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Bus driver lady

I was in about 5th grade. I was miserable. I got picked on so much. The weird Spanish girl who doesn't speak. I was still learning English but I loved English so much I was practically fluent. Every day I would get up and fake sick just so I wouldn't have to go to school, or I would pretend to fall asleep in the bathroom so we would be so late that my mom gave up and didn't drive me to school. I skipped a lot.  The only thing I had looking forward to at the end of a school day was...the end. The bus ride home. I was fortunate enough to have the nicest bus driver lady in the entire universe. Apparently she favored me. I wish I could remember her name. She was the nicest person I had ever met in my life. I never spoke to her, but I have always had a way to speak with my eyes and I guess she understood everything they would say. I would sit up front just so I could be closer to her, and usually just admire her through the long bus mirror. Breathing the smell of pollution and fumes from the bus, I would sit there quietly staring out the window (or her) while all the other kids around me acted like kids; Or I would sit there reading a book. She usually tried to have conversations with me. "How's you're day been, Jenny?" I would say "fine, thanks." very quietly and shy. She would keep talking and driving, I was one of the last ones home usually. I would get dropped off at my blind babysitters musty house, and she would smile as we said our goodbyes. I was riding that bus for two years. On Christmas, she gave me a hoola hoop, I was so ecstatic. I loved it, I hugged her and said thank you so much. The next Christmas she got me a mug covered in butterflies (which I still own to this day) with candy and a teddy bear in it. Again, I was so so happy. I never understood why she was so nice to me. I still don't understand. I'm just glad she was in my life at that moment.

~Jenny

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Drowning

Everyone's been worried about me. At least my mom, my best friend and Johnathan have. I guess I've been in the house for a week now. I don't remember it though. My depression is rising. I upped my dosage of my new anti-depressant pill today. I don't feel much, I feel numb. Not a good numb, just a blank numb. Lately everything has been feeling like a dream, or nightmare...
Johnathan quit his job. They randomly drug tested him at work when he came in ("I knew I should have called out that day!" He told me furiously.) a couple of days ago. So he thought, well since I'm going to get fired (Since he had pot, and opiates in his system) It will look better if I just quit. It won't look good either way on a resume' but better than 'fired' anyway. He freaked out for 2 days, but he is calmer now. I wish I could have been there for him but I'm going through my own shit right now too. This depression is drowning me little by little. It sort of just creeped up on me like It always does. Johnathan says he knew his life was going too good, he knew something bad going to happen soon. My depression has me so blank, that I can't respond half the time to people.
Today Jonathan's best friend showed up drunk at her job. He went to go 'save' her. She was freaking out apperantly. Things just haven't been so great lately.
My dad asked me to come stay with him in Orlando (for I don't know how long). I said yes without hesitation. I need a new environment.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to a party late at night, same for the next day. I guess I'm partying hard this weekend. I feel I might lose control of my liquor intake so I'm going to have to warn my best friend to keep watching what I drink, what a bother I must be. I hope I feel like going, or at least being with people... Lately, I push everyone away from me.

~Jenny

Sighhhhh

What a lazy Sunday afternoon I am having. I have my window open, a candle lit, and I was just checking my email on the laptop. I'm not feeling my best since I drank quite a bit last night. Johnathan and I went to his friend's Danny's house. It was pretty fun and Danny is quite the character. He's in his late 40's with a John Lennon look. His house is amazing. He collects antiques, retro and just old school things. He had these 2 cheetah print chairs I fell in love with in his dusty living room. We all mostly sat out in his porch by his lovely pool, drank and chatted. Johnathan like always was on drugs, I can't stand it. He took molly, a Xanax, he smoked weed, and he was drinking absinthe. He looked so fucked up, and was slurring. It was kind of embarrassing, but I'm sure his friends are used to seeing him like that. I'm just worried about him a bit. I can't say much though because I also took a Xanax, was drinking and smoking.. Later on Ashley and her friend Chris came over as well and we chatted a bit more, they left a bit soon and then we stayed a bit and left. I drove Johnathan's car back to his place. It got a little bit heated. We started making out hardcore, but I had to stop it. At one point he was trying to take my bra off but couldn't. It was kind of funny actually. My bra is a hard bitch to take off apparently.

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He kept taking pictures of me haha

My sister in law, brother and baby niece are here making a racket like always. I don't mind my niece though, she's too cute. My mom is ordering pizza, yum.

~Jenny

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I think he may be getting a bit obsessive now. I talked to him about it. How he tries to talk to me every second of every day if he can. How he buys me unnecessary gifts and wants to see me all the time. It sounds just like love but to me It's just obsession. I don't know. Maybe I just don't know what love is I guess. I've been trying to narrow it down, why someone would want to be with me is beyond my comprehension; I have too many self issues to deal with. I think I might be better off alone for forever. I also have a thing where I don't like to be touched. He loves to touch me, my face, my hair. I'm not used to it so I cringe with the feeling. It's not that I don't really like it cause I think I do...just so uncomfortable to me. I've been through too much and I'm too fucked up to be with anyone. Poor thing doesn't deserve this mess...

I'm not sure what to do. I told him "Friends firsts and we have to take it slow, then well see where it goes from there." He seems to be fine with waiting but then again so did the last guy that broke my heart.

I spent last night with him. He wanted to bring me sushi. "No arguments please". He told me, so I let him. It was nice. We drunk a bottle of wine just the two of us. My mom kept herself in her room thankfully, because he cried. He cries a lot. He's an over emotional person which is another thing I'm not used to.  We watched Jeff Who Lives at Home It was such a good movie. I had already watched it, I'm so glad he liked it. We tried watching Blue Velvet one night at his place but he had taken a xanax bar and was falling asleep. Tonight he also took a shit ton of pills (Another thing I don't approve of) and I couldn't even understand what he was trying to text me. I don't like that he takes so many drugs. Eventually he wanted to call me but I honestly will do anything to not be on the phone talking so I turned off my phone and went on with my life. I feel like a bitch but he won't take no for an answer. I feel as if I'm liking him less and less because he tries harder and harder. He apparently doesn't know what "I need space" means...How do you tell someone that?

Tomorrow he asked to hang out at his friends Danny's. He said It's no big deal if I don't make it but it obviously is. I know hell be moody and morose if I don't' show. That's in the evening, and in the afternoon I'm probably going to hang out with my mom and go shopping around...hopefully. I hope I get some sleep and wake up kind of early, rested. My insomnia has been unbearable lately...

Also, I started a new anti-depressant yesterday, I think I felt It's affect already. I naturally have a panic feeling with my mood and today it kind of went away...I hope all my negative feelings disappear.
I finished reading "Invisible Monsters" It was an amazing read, I couldn't put the book down and so now I'm reading "Prozac Nation". I had seen the movie and loved it, the book is way better and like always goes into a lot more detail.

~Jenny

Is this love?

I burnt the cookies I was making Johnathan! I'm so upset about it. Our oven seems to be fucked up. Johnathan is always buying me things and since I'm a broke girl I want to give him things in return but, alas, I can't most times. He has literally given me so many presents that they wouldn't top off how many presents I get on Christmas or my Birthday. I'm not used to it and I don't like that he's spending so much on me but I do appreciate it all the same. I just feel I'm not worth the gifts he gives me. He's given me, a dozen roses, a Tiffanie's silver bracelet, a gold necklace with a diamond in the center, a candle that lights up different colors (which I just burned away because I loved it so much but apparently he got me another), an antique pocket watch (he thought the ticking would help me sleep, knowing I have bad insomnia, he's so sweet), a picture he drew of my eye with a beautiful frame, free weed, a bong, and not to mention we've been out to eat about 3 times now and he's bought everything! I don't know if I like it or not. The only bad thing with him is that he seems very clingy. He wants to hear my voice and see me all the time. It's another sweet trait but I'm not used to any of these things! It's so new to me.

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That's him and I the time we went to st. Augustine. It's a bad picture from his phone.

I'm also just really really frightened to fall in love...and then get hurt....again.

~Jenny

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Girls night out (Family Edition)

These past couple of days have been nice. Yesterday I spent most of my night with Johnathan at his place, smoking and watching Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas. That movie is crazy, but I love it. We were expecting Ashley and her friend to come over but she cancelled. So we spent the night drinking wine and talking. He bought me my first ever bong. I find it hilarious.  I can't tell him I want something because he will literally get it for me (no matter what it is.)
Today went good too. We had a girl's night out with my family. My 2 cousins, my 2 aunts, my grandma, my sister in law, my mother, and myself. I'm glad it went well because sometimes drama goes down. Sangria helped them loosen up a lot and we had a lovely waiter named Liz. I had a brick lasagna that was about 745 calories. I've been good with my calorie intake lately. My mother went crazy taking random pictures of us talking and laughing at the table. She told Liz to take about 3 pictures of all of us. I came out bored in maybe all of them, I don't know, I just don't see the twinkle in my eye that is usually there in pictures. I felt kind of out of place for some reason even though I am extremely comfortable around my family and love them very much. Lately, I haven't been able to relax at all. I can't even sleep anymore. The sweet Johnathan got me herbal tea's from Bob Marley brand. The are green tea and honey and It's called Mellow Mood. It delicious, it helps you calm down a bit and it does work.
Johnathan is already planning to go back to St Augustine on Tuesday after he gets off work because we didn't spend too much time the last time, since I got so sick from the Molly. So I have that to look forward to..

~Jenny

Hi Molly, not nice to meet you

Yesterday went good and bad. I tried molly for the first time in my life. It's the pure form of MDMA (like Ecstasy but without all the added stuff in it). Johnathan thought it would be a good idea and I was looking forward to feeling good. I was already having fun with him and didn't need it. I kind of wish i didn't take it. We were in St Augustine in an old store. The store had a black feeling about it. I immediately got a headache and then the dizziness came. I was so dizzy I thought i was going to faint in the store. My heart started racing and by the time we left the store I was covered in sweat. We started walking down the cobbled street again and the cool air made me feel a bit better. Johnathan kept glancing and staring at me, he looked worried. I tried to act like everything was fine, but it was hard when my eyes kept darting in all sorts of different directions and sweat was pouring over me like I ran a mile. I swear he could hear my thousand heart beats per minute. i was ready to rip my skin off. We sat in a courtyard by a pretty water fall. I felt like I couldn't hear properly and he was speaking softly. He got us some water, then he went to the bathroom. When he came back I also told him I had to go so I got up and entered the bathroom. I just stood there, sweaty and looking at my reflection. My pupils as big as dinner plates. After standing there a while I came back out and sat back down, Jonathan just staring away at me. It took a long time for me to calm down, I felt like I do when I have a panic attack. My face was flushed, and sooo much sweat, so much. I asked him if he could take me home. I almost didn't want to ask because we were having such a good time before that, and he drove me all the way to another city, I felt bad. He agreed without hesitation. He felt it was his fault I got so sick, but he didn't force feed me the molly. He said it was crappy molly. Before all that happened we had such a good time at the carousel, and driving around just talking. I just don't want to feel that feeling ever again. It was pretty bad. Ever since then my eye has been twitching, but it was happening before that...
Today has been great. I got up super late because I couldn't sleep last night and I got around 3 hours of sleep this afternoon. I got ready and Chester and I were off to go hiking. It was a good hike. The trail was more populated than usual, probably because It's January and everyone makes the "lose weight" resolution. I'm now just waiting for my mother to get home so she can give me money to buy hair dye.
I have to remind myself not to let Johnathan know I want something because he will get it for me! Anything I ask for. I'm not used to any of that. It's super sweet and I know it comes from his heart but It's a bit too much. Today I received a small package in the mail from him. It's the movie "Hedwig & the angry Inch" I LOVE this musical. I told him I've always wanted it and BAM! He's really very sweet and I feel like I don't deserve it.
I'm off to relax and give Chester a bath, I'm drained.

~Jenny

It's been a while, friend...

Gosh I haven't written in a long long time. Happy New Years and Happy Christmas! and everything in between!
I'll let you know about my Christmas and New Years (The short version)...
It all began with my old friend (Johnathan) finding me on Facebook. We had a "thing" back in the day and I really liked him but he didn't seem to like me back the way I did. He went off with other girls but I was still his friend. He finally got married and his wife wouldn't let him have female friends so I couldn't talk to him for years. For years I didn't hear from him, it took me a while to forget him since I liked him so much; Probably loved him. I was unhappier back then, and apparently so was he. I tried to help him in anyway possible. He was my best friend. He got a divorce because his wife cheated on him with a co worker of his.
Now he's back in my life, which I'm always grateful for, but he's moving too fast with me. He always wants to see me. He will call me just to hear my voice (I hate being on the phone for any reason). To some, this might seem sweet, but I'm just not used to such attention. I'm an independent person, always have been. He spent Christmas night with me and my family. We all sat around the couch, ate. It was a good time. Even though I was sick with a lung infection and could hardly stand, or eat and I was sweating a fever on and off that day. It was a good time. He got me a gift. A very expensive gold necklace with a diamond in the middle. It's absolutely beautiful, but I feel I don't deserve it. I feel as if we don't know each other well enough to do this. It's been years... 5 years since I hadn't spoken to him and all of a sudden all of this happens.
New Years I had a great night. I had no plans so Johnathan invited me to be his date for New Years. I said sure and was excited to at least have some plans for the night. We ended up at Eclipse, a Gothic club. It was nice. They gave awesome music and I was slowly sipping on my Jack & coke he had bought me. I wasn't supposed to be drinking, I was still ill with my ling infection and taking antibiotics, but come on, It's New Years! At the time of the count down neither Johnathan or I knew was was going on. When I finally caught up (5...4!...3!...2!...) I looked at him and kissed him. My first New Years kiss ever. It was a great night overall. I felt it more of a friendly kiss but the way he kissed back I could tell it was more for him.
I see him now more than I usually see my friends. I'm usually the one who stays home and enjoys her solitude (sometimes). He gave me a dozen roses! My first flowers ever received. They are so gorgeous. They made me so happy. But again I feel as if he shouldn't give me these gifts...I love them and appreciate them though.I've never been treated so nicely. Unfortunately gifts is not the way to my heart. I know he's trying, but I'm not sure if I feel the same way I did when we first met, and I don't know if I ever will. Only time will tell with this situation. I'm really trying here, to love him back, to be happy; but I'm not sure...
Today I met his boss Lilia. She is one of the most beautiful woman I've seen. She has long black hair to her waist, and tender blue eyes. She's Colombian and speaks with an accent, not a heavy one like my fathers, she's much easier to understand. I felt comfortable around her. Johnathan is trying to get me a job there, which I could not be anymore stoked about! I need a job so badly. It's at a pawn shop and they will be starting me off with more than I have ever made in my life. I felt as if I didn't impress her enough. She said she liked me though :) The problem will be the drug test... but Johnathan says he will help me with that.
Tomorrow Johnathan and I are supposed to take a trip to St Augustine. He wants to spend the whole day with me. It should be fun. We have a Palm reader, sushi and Sake', and a carousel all planned out already. Sounds like a blast. I just hope he talks more about fun things than the past. All he talks about is us and I don't know what to make of it. I'm so lost in this situation because he's so in love with me. I don't know if It's an infatuation...but It's nice to have someone so in love with me. Look at me writing a whole book here. I'm gonna go try to sleep. I haven't slept in around 36 hours.

and these are the roses he gave me!




This is me without my piercings in my face lol and that is the lovely necklace he got me


~Jenny

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Quote


To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love
anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If
you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to
no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies, and
little luxuries; Avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket
of coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark,
motionless, airless --it will change. It will not be broken; It will
become unbreakable, impenetrable, Irredeemable...
~C.S Lewis

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NuMb

It's been so crazy lately. My emotions have been all over the place. Iv'e been mostly just stuck inside my own head.I keep trying to numb down what I'm thinking with anything I can find that'll distract me even the tiniest bit.
I spent the whole of today shopping with my mom. I got a pair of my very first ever flats, some short boots, 2 tank tops, 2 long sleeve shirts, and 2 dresses. Also some fragrances from Bath & Body Works that I can't stop sniffing every now and again. I feel spoiled. I feel I don't deserve any of this. My mom said it was my Christmas present, which I'm thankful for. My dad gave me a 50$ bill. I unfortunately had spent it that same night, on food and drinking at bars.I regretted it later on. My Dad, Grandmother, and cousin came down to see the family not too long ago. I wish I could see them more often. I feel so unattached from everyone...

I had an interview on Thursday. I was prepared, well dressed, and had 2 copies of my resume ready. I had drank some coffee and even felt a bit confident that morning. I rode around for about an hour looking for the place. I looked through my cell phone to find the confirmation email and saw that the interview was all the way in another city in FL. WTF!
I then drove (When I had finally stopped crying in a parking lot) to a near by Zaxbys and pigged out until I felt sick. I got home, smoked and just layed in bed till the night fell. It's mostly what Iv'e been doing lately. I pig out and just go to sleep or try to spend my day working off the calories I ate. I'm getting to be so pathetic.
Tomorrow my mother and I are supposed to finish Christmas shopping...*sigh* Can not wait till the Holidays are over. Was kind of hoping the world would have ended. I wouldn't at least have to look for a damn job anymore.
I'm spending the last of my Christmas money to buy something for my best friend, and maybe something for my mother. :(

~Jenny